Episode 3: How Do You Ask for What You Want in Bed?
Apr 06, 2026
How Do You Ask for What You Want in Bed?
The 3-Minute Game and the Wheel of Consent with Dr. Betty Martin
Many couples struggle with how to ask for what they want in bed without feeling awkward or embarrassed.
One partner may wish the other would clearly communicate what feels good, while the other partner may feel unsure, embarrassed, or conditioned not to ask for what they want.
Over time, this lack of communication can lead to predictable intimacy, confusion about consent, and frustration for both partners.
In this episode, I interview Dr. Betty Martin, creator of the Wheel of Consent and the Three-Minute Game, a simple but powerful practice that helps couples learn how to communicate clearly about touch, boundaries, and pleasure.
You’ll discover how this practice can transform the way partners ask for touch, offer touch, and experience intimacy together.
What Is the Wheel of Consent? A Simple Way to Communicate About Touch
Dr. Betty Martin describes the Wheel of Consent as a practice, much like meditation or yoga.
Rather than trying to “master” intimacy techniques, couples use the practice repeatedly to discover new insights about giving, receiving, and boundaries.
One of the core ideas behind the Wheel of Consent is separating three experiences that often get mixed together:
- Giving
- Receiving
- Taking
When couples clearly understand these dynamics, communication about touch becomes much easier and more honest.
Why It’s Hard to Ask for What You Want in Bed?
One surprising discovery from Dr. Martin’s work is how difficult it can be for people to answer a simple question:
“How do you want to be touched?”
Many people freeze when asked this question. Some common responses include:
- “Whatever you want is fine.”
- “I don’t know.”
- “What do you like?”
This hesitation isn’t unusual. Many people were raised to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own needs, which makes asking directly for touch feel unfamiliar or vulnerable.
The Three-Minute Game: A Simple Exercise for Communicating About Touch
To help couples practice these skills, Dr. Martin created a simple exercise called The Three-Minute Game.
The game revolves around two questions:
- What do you want me to do to you for three minutes?
- What do you want to do to me for three minutes?
These questions create four different experiences of touch:
- I do to you what you want
- I do to you what I want
- You do to me what you want
- You do to me what I want
This structure helps couples clearly understand who the touch is for, which often removes confusion and resentment.
The One Question That Improves Consent and Communication in Bed
A key insight from the Wheel of Consent is a question many couples never ask:
“Who is this touch for?” Without clarity, partners often misunderstand each other’s intentions. For example:
A male partner might say they want to perform a sexual act, thinking it’s a gift to their female partner. Meanwhile, the female partner assumes it’s something the male partner wants.
When both partners are acting based on assumptions, neither person may actually be enjoying the experience.
Clarifying who the touch is for can transform these interactions.
Why Asking for Pleasure Can Feel Uncomfortable
One of the most challenging parts of the Wheel of Consent is the “taking” dynamic, where someone asks to touch their partner in a way that feels pleasurable for them.
Dr. Martin explains that many people struggle with this because they were taught that touching another person should always be for the other person’s benefit.
Learning that it’s okay to experience pleasure through your own touch can feel both liberating and unfamiliar.
But when couples learn this distinction, they often discover a new level of authenticity and enjoyment in their connection.
Why Practicing Touch Without Sex Helps Couples Communicate Better
One of Dr. Martin’s key recommendations may surprise some listeners.
When couples begin practicing the Three-Minute Game, she suggests keeping sexual touch off the table at first.
Instead, the focus is on learning how to:
- Ask clearly for touch
- Give and receive attention
- Practice boundaries
- Discover new sensations
Playing the game 20–30 times in a non-sexual context helps couples build trust and communication before introducing more erotic touch.
How the Three-Minute Game Improves Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
One reason this practice is so valuable for couples over 50, is that many women were conditioned for decades to prioritize others’ needs over their own.
As Dr. Martin explains, many women have never had the experience of being asked how they truly want to be touched.
The Three-Minute Game helps partners develop the skill of asking, listening, and honoring boundaries—skills that can bring new life into long-term relationships.
How to Try the Three-Minute Game With Your Partner
If trying the full game feels intimidating, Dr. Martin suggests a gentle starting point.
Instead of asking your partner what they want first, begin by making your own request:
“Would you scratch my back for three minutes?”
Then offer the same in return.
This small step allows couples to begin practicing vulnerability and curiosity together.
What if you could stop guessing how your partner wants to be touched—and simply ask? In this episode, Dr. Betty Martin explains how the Wheel of Consent and the Three-Minute Game help couples communicate clearly about touch, pleasure, and boundaries. If you want to create deeper connection and more satisfying intimacy in your relationship, this conversation is a powerful place to begin.
Listen to the full episode to learn how to practice the Three-Minute Game with your partner. https://www.sexworthhaving.com/blog
FAQ's About Communicating About Touch:
How do I ask my partner what they want in bed without making it awkward?
Many couples feel uncomfortable talking about touch because they’ve never been taught how to ask for what they want in a clear and respectful way. The Three-Minute Game offers a simple structure for this conversation. By asking questions like “What would you like me to do to you for three minutes?” couples can explore touch with curiosity rather than pressure.
What is the Wheel of Consent and how does it improve intimacy?
The Wheel of Consent, created by Dr. Betty Martin, is a framework that helps people understand the difference between giving, receiving, taking, and allowing touch. When couples understand who touch is for, communication becomes clearer and partners can explore intimacy with more honesty and trust.
How can couples communicate better about touch and pleasure?
One of the most helpful ways to improve communication about touch is to practice structured exercises like the Three-Minute Game. This practice encourages partners to ask clearly for what they want, listen to each other’s responses, and explore boundaries and pleasure in a safe and playful way.
Resources & Links
Dr. Betty Martin – Wheel of Consent resources
https://www.wheelofconsent.org
Book: The Art of Receiving and Giving – Dr. Betty Martin
Visit Website:
https://www.sexworthhaving.com/
Book a Free Desire Diagnostic Call with Clare:
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